With several failed attempts under my belt in 2009, a living situation up in the air for much of 2010-as I purchased and began remodeling my little home while living with friends, and the whole of 2011 being consumed with finishing my bachelors degree I'm just now, in 2012, beginning to think again about kiddos and how to bring them into my life.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A Known Donor
One of the first things I did when I broke up with Fiance and made the decision to become a SMC was to make a list of guys I know that I'd think about considering to be a donor. Not too long after making the list I crossed them all off for one reason or another. The reasons ran the gamut from taking too many prescription meds to tobacco chewer. Perhaps some of the reasons were really more about being afraid to ask than anything that would truly interfere with the health and ability of the sperm, but that didn't really matter to me in that moment. So it was then I decided to go down the path of private sperm donor. It was long and windy and ultimately didn't pan out as I'd hoped. So I began to revisit the idea of a known donor and one of the men on the list really started to sound like a good idea. He was local to me, someone I'd known for a number of years, career oriented, whom I respected, is physically fit, single, never married, and who never had children, but is good with them, and we also had a random conversation over the summer about my plans and how he was kind of second guessing whether it really was a good idea for him to have never had a child.
To me it seemed the perfect match, and to a couple girl friends I ran it by as well. I think it's important for a child to have access to their biological parents in some capacity. I wouldn't ask for regular connection or money, at all, ever. No responsibility on donor dad's part except to be willing to meet your kid and hang out with us every now and then however that works best for all of us. He could still travel, work and do his own thing knowing part of his family/genes/heritage-very important to him, would get carried on.
By November 2009 I had worked up the courage to send him an email. He wrote back with in days... "Wow! I am honored and a bit overwhelmed by your request. Given the magnitude and significance of this decision, I will have to sit with this for a week or so and think about it. Again, I am deeply honored by your consideration of me.
To me it seemed the perfect match, and to a couple girl friends I ran it by as well. I think it's important for a child to have access to their biological parents in some capacity. I wouldn't ask for regular connection or money, at all, ever. No responsibility on donor dad's part except to be willing to meet your kid and hang out with us every now and then however that works best for all of us. He could still travel, work and do his own thing knowing part of his family/genes/heritage-very important to him, would get carried on.
By November 2009 I had worked up the courage to send him an email. He wrote back with in days... "Wow! I am honored and a bit overwhelmed by your request. Given the magnitude and significance of this decision, I will have to sit with this for a week or so and think about it. Again, I am deeply honored by your consideration of me.
All the best,"
Well, I think it took more than a month before we actually talked in person about it. And despite it seeming like the best idea in the world to me...Known Donor was just too apprehensive about it to even want to discuss his apprehensions so I thanked him for considering it and we went on our merry ways. Thankfully it hasn't caused any awkwardness between us since we see each other often.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Dating & Donors
Fast forward a few months to spring '09... I met a guy. We had serious chemistry. Like none other I'd ever experienced! And thus began a few dilemmas I'd heard about from so many other SMC's... #1... Date and keep trying with a donor or put it on hold in hopes New Guy is "the one". And dilemma number two... to tell New Guy about my Trying status or not... Well, in case number two I didn't have to decide for myself because he googled me and found my original blog post talking all about my decision to become a SMC. He said he was cool about it, but when August started getting closer he felt like the pressure was on. He couldn't come to terms with the idea of us staying together and me being pregnant with another man's baby and he wasn't ready to become a father again so we broke up. It was a great fling while it lasted...
On to donors then. I joined a site something akin to match.com for donors and recipients. I had pages and pages of potential donors that I'd consider. I sent them all messages and heard back from only a fraction. A mixed blessing for sure. Ultimately I found a guy that I really wanted to meet up with, he lived in Vancouver, WA, and he was game. I planned a trip to Portland under the guise of visiting my family for a week, which just so happened to coincide with ovulation week ;-) and I thought for sure I was on my way... Long story short Donor #1 boged out big time. I was crushed. But then another donor whom I'd emailed with, who originally said he wasn't interested, emailed again asking if I was still looking for a donor... was I ever?! So we agreed to meet the next day, the day before the end of my trip and late in my cycle, but still worth a shot. We texted for something like 3 straight hours! I was feeling good about meeting him and he me. As I was walking out the door of my dad's house there was a segment on the news about this woman who got murdered on the side of the highway-great... Just what Dad needed to see right before his only daughter was about to leave the house at midnight to meet up with a guy she'd never met in hopes of getting pregnant. oy.
Everything went fine and I was soon back home and crawling into bed, much to the relief of my dad.
Less than a week later I was back at work and starting to feel funky. I was never so excited to be that nauseous!
I felt the presence of my kids so strongly. For 2 weeks it seemed like this was finally it. They were getting their prelife review. They were in closed counsel with other beings, a lot. And then they were facing a decision that was difficult to make. A health challenge of some kind was going to show up at age 68. That was a major glitch for them. I never found out exactly what it was. I'm not even sure they did, but ultimately they chose not to stay this time because of it and a few other things I was to find out later.
Some of my intuitive friends were asking, "WHAT HAPPENED??? They were so here and then they were gone..." and all I could say was, "I know... I guess it wasn't time yet, still, again...sigh."
On to donors then. I joined a site something akin to match.com for donors and recipients. I had pages and pages of potential donors that I'd consider. I sent them all messages and heard back from only a fraction. A mixed blessing for sure. Ultimately I found a guy that I really wanted to meet up with, he lived in Vancouver, WA, and he was game. I planned a trip to Portland under the guise of visiting my family for a week, which just so happened to coincide with ovulation week ;-) and I thought for sure I was on my way... Long story short Donor #1 boged out big time. I was crushed. But then another donor whom I'd emailed with, who originally said he wasn't interested, emailed again asking if I was still looking for a donor... was I ever?! So we agreed to meet the next day, the day before the end of my trip and late in my cycle, but still worth a shot. We texted for something like 3 straight hours! I was feeling good about meeting him and he me. As I was walking out the door of my dad's house there was a segment on the news about this woman who got murdered on the side of the highway-great... Just what Dad needed to see right before his only daughter was about to leave the house at midnight to meet up with a guy she'd never met in hopes of getting pregnant. oy.
Everything went fine and I was soon back home and crawling into bed, much to the relief of my dad.
Less than a week later I was back at work and starting to feel funky. I was never so excited to be that nauseous!
I felt the presence of my kids so strongly. For 2 weeks it seemed like this was finally it. They were getting their prelife review. They were in closed counsel with other beings, a lot. And then they were facing a decision that was difficult to make. A health challenge of some kind was going to show up at age 68. That was a major glitch for them. I never found out exactly what it was. I'm not even sure they did, but ultimately they chose not to stay this time because of it and a few other things I was to find out later.
Some of my intuitive friends were asking, "WHAT HAPPENED??? They were so here and then they were gone..." and all I could say was, "I know... I guess it wasn't time yet, still, again...sigh."
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Baby of Mine in 2009
This became my mantra for the year. It popped into my head while driving home from somewhere in that first week of January and it made me giddy each time I said it.
At the time, I was working as a specialty teacher at one of our local elementary schools and wanted to try and time my pregnancy and resulting maternity leave to correspond with the school calendar. So I decided to try to get pregnant in August thus I'd be pregnant for the whole school year and have the baby right at the beginning of summer, and maybe be able to come back to teach in the fall.
Time to find a donor!
Not long after having created the list of local guys I'd consider asking to be a donor I'd crossed them all off for one reason or another. I also considered choosing sperm from a bank that would ship to my home. Of the few banks that are willing to ship to a private residence as opposed to a doctor's office I wasn't finding any donors that really appealed to me, nor did the high price tag attached to one vial of sperm that wasn't even a complete shot do anything for me either. Something I came to realize that's important to me in deciding on a donor is that he be available to know the child he helps create throughout the child's life. Most banks in the US give the donors the option to choose whether to be completely anonymous or whether they consent to meeting the child once the child reaches 18 years old. The bank that is the exception to that rule encourages contact after 3 months! But their pool of donors is so small... sigh. And still the high price and small amount of sperm for one try per cycle... I just can't bring myself to do it that way.
So onto private donors I went...
After reading the profiles of dozens of donors, and emailing with many of them, I was able to narrow it down to a few I thought seemed like good options and it just so happens that they lived in the NW; A natural choice for me since I grew up in Portland and still have family and friends there. I'd looked at profiles of donors in places I'd be willing to travel to as the choices for donors in Arizona were and continue to be very slim.
My ideal donor would be someone that looked somewhat like me with blond or light brown hair (or red as a last option. Though I really didn't want a child with skin as fair as comes with red hair just for the impracticality of it living in Arizona and enjoying being outside a lot) and blue or green eyes.
It's funny the things one considers when one has the option to ;-)
Another important factor, for me, in choosing a donor is that he be O blood type-same as me, and if he's O-, even better! The reason behind the blood type is that I follow Dr. D'Adamo's diets based on blood type and have seen first hand how challenging it is to cook for everyone in families with differing blood types. As a single mom I want to create as much ease in my life as possible. So if baby and I have the same blood type there is less chance of miscarriage first off and then less chance that what I eat will negatively affect baby while breastfeeding, thus hopefully no colic, and when baby is eating solids I won't have to buy and prepare anything different than what I already have and make for myself. As far as the donor's blood type being positive or negative... Ideally it would be negative, same as mine, thus alleviating any issue that my body will become sensitized to baby's blood if they should happen to mix during birth (if we have different Rh factors +/-). I plan to homebirth and don't believe in vaccinations (Rhogam in this case) so being able to carry to term and deliver subsequent children naturally could be an issue if mine and baby's blood happened to mix, which isn't likely in most normal deliveries, but is something to consider nonetheless.
Between January and August I did a lot to try and prepare for pregnancy-getting house projects finished where I was living, started charting my cycles, collecting baby stuff hand me downs, taking an even closer look at my already healthy diet I decided to cut sugar out, and started taking prenatal vitamins. I was also continuing to work through any emotional issues that might hinder the process of me becoming a mom.
At the time, I was working as a specialty teacher at one of our local elementary schools and wanted to try and time my pregnancy and resulting maternity leave to correspond with the school calendar. So I decided to try to get pregnant in August thus I'd be pregnant for the whole school year and have the baby right at the beginning of summer, and maybe be able to come back to teach in the fall.
Time to find a donor!
Not long after having created the list of local guys I'd consider asking to be a donor I'd crossed them all off for one reason or another. I also considered choosing sperm from a bank that would ship to my home. Of the few banks that are willing to ship to a private residence as opposed to a doctor's office I wasn't finding any donors that really appealed to me, nor did the high price tag attached to one vial of sperm that wasn't even a complete shot do anything for me either. Something I came to realize that's important to me in deciding on a donor is that he be available to know the child he helps create throughout the child's life. Most banks in the US give the donors the option to choose whether to be completely anonymous or whether they consent to meeting the child once the child reaches 18 years old. The bank that is the exception to that rule encourages contact after 3 months! But their pool of donors is so small... sigh. And still the high price and small amount of sperm for one try per cycle... I just can't bring myself to do it that way.
So onto private donors I went...
After reading the profiles of dozens of donors, and emailing with many of them, I was able to narrow it down to a few I thought seemed like good options and it just so happens that they lived in the NW; A natural choice for me since I grew up in Portland and still have family and friends there. I'd looked at profiles of donors in places I'd be willing to travel to as the choices for donors in Arizona were and continue to be very slim.
My ideal donor would be someone that looked somewhat like me with blond or light brown hair (or red as a last option. Though I really didn't want a child with skin as fair as comes with red hair just for the impracticality of it living in Arizona and enjoying being outside a lot) and blue or green eyes.
It's funny the things one considers when one has the option to ;-)
Another important factor, for me, in choosing a donor is that he be O blood type-same as me, and if he's O-, even better! The reason behind the blood type is that I follow Dr. D'Adamo's diets based on blood type and have seen first hand how challenging it is to cook for everyone in families with differing blood types. As a single mom I want to create as much ease in my life as possible. So if baby and I have the same blood type there is less chance of miscarriage first off and then less chance that what I eat will negatively affect baby while breastfeeding, thus hopefully no colic, and when baby is eating solids I won't have to buy and prepare anything different than what I already have and make for myself. As far as the donor's blood type being positive or negative... Ideally it would be negative, same as mine, thus alleviating any issue that my body will become sensitized to baby's blood if they should happen to mix during birth (if we have different Rh factors +/-). I plan to homebirth and don't believe in vaccinations (Rhogam in this case) so being able to carry to term and deliver subsequent children naturally could be an issue if mine and baby's blood happened to mix, which isn't likely in most normal deliveries, but is something to consider nonetheless.
Between January and August I did a lot to try and prepare for pregnancy-getting house projects finished where I was living, started charting my cycles, collecting baby stuff hand me downs, taking an even closer look at my already healthy diet I decided to cut sugar out, and started taking prenatal vitamins. I was also continuing to work through any emotional issues that might hinder the process of me becoming a mom.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Breakup and The Decision
Not too long after that glorious day out on the lake everything about our relationship that hadn't been working came to a head, again, for the last time. As a woman with the tick tick ticking of the biological time clock growing louder and more urgent all the time I had thought we'd been on the same page on many things including children. But as it turns out, we were not. Fiance was tired of children, after having helped raise his young nieces and nephew for the past 5 years, and wanted a break, a loooooong break, before having his own. This I did not know or didn't want to hear, and was a topic we couldn't seem to work around, through or over. We were at a complete impasse. Both of us standing firm in our convictions. He to wait 2-5 years. Me to have kids right away. We gave it a couple weeks to see if anything would change or shift for either of us. It didn't. I knew it wouldn't. So that was the end of it.
In retrospect he was a means to an end. A strategy that backfired. I learned a lot and so did he. I have no regrets, except maybe to have come to the conclusion sooner rather than later, but it all is what it is and you move on.
A couple weeks to a month after we broke up I was full on researching and reading everything I could find on becoming a Single Mother by Choice. I even made a list of all the guys I'd consider asking to become donors. And had pretty much made up my mind that this was the path I was going to take. I didn't even bounce the idea off my best friend. I felt confident and sure in my decision and then started wondering how to tell all my friends and family. I knew there would be some that would freak and some that would celebrate with me, but which folks would fall into which camps remained to be seen.
Instead of sending out Christmas cards I created a card each to be sent to my mom and dad so that they'd get the news first. I then sent out a New Year's Letter highlighting the previous year and announcing my decision to become a Single Mom by Choice to everyone else and I mean everyone. Friends and family I hadn't talked to in years I sent the letter to. I really wanted everyone that might remotely matter in my life to hear the news and facts straight from me, NOT through the grapevine. I often feel as though the town I live in and the circles I travel in get quite a bit incestuous. I've seen other people's joys and tragedies become the talk of the town and if that was gonna happen to me I at least wanted everyone to have the story straight!
I was continually surprised and delightfully awestruck with the responses I received. I was so moved to hear so much positive, joyful, ecstatic support by so many people. Everyone, but my mom, did as I asked, and that was to tell a friend, not me, if they had anything negative to say about my choice. I finally had to ban the topic from conversation, and even over a year later it has yet to be discussed in rational terms. Many women on the path ahead of me have mentioned similar situations and that once she was pregnant or actually put the child in its grandma's arms that all the strife melted with that first cuddle. I trust that will happen for us too.
In retrospect he was a means to an end. A strategy that backfired. I learned a lot and so did he. I have no regrets, except maybe to have come to the conclusion sooner rather than later, but it all is what it is and you move on.
A couple weeks to a month after we broke up I was full on researching and reading everything I could find on becoming a Single Mother by Choice. I even made a list of all the guys I'd consider asking to become donors. And had pretty much made up my mind that this was the path I was going to take. I didn't even bounce the idea off my best friend. I felt confident and sure in my decision and then started wondering how to tell all my friends and family. I knew there would be some that would freak and some that would celebrate with me, but which folks would fall into which camps remained to be seen.
Instead of sending out Christmas cards I created a card each to be sent to my mom and dad so that they'd get the news first. I then sent out a New Year's Letter highlighting the previous year and announcing my decision to become a Single Mom by Choice to everyone else and I mean everyone. Friends and family I hadn't talked to in years I sent the letter to. I really wanted everyone that might remotely matter in my life to hear the news and facts straight from me, NOT through the grapevine. I often feel as though the town I live in and the circles I travel in get quite a bit incestuous. I've seen other people's joys and tragedies become the talk of the town and if that was gonna happen to me I at least wanted everyone to have the story straight!
I was continually surprised and delightfully awestruck with the responses I received. I was so moved to hear so much positive, joyful, ecstatic support by so many people. Everyone, but my mom, did as I asked, and that was to tell a friend, not me, if they had anything negative to say about my choice. I finally had to ban the topic from conversation, and even over a year later it has yet to be discussed in rational terms. Many women on the path ahead of me have mentioned similar situations and that once she was pregnant or actually put the child in its grandma's arms that all the strife melted with that first cuddle. I trust that will happen for us too.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Present Time Update
I kinda forgot about you baby blog.... oops, packing to move, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, moving, remodeling...still...
Somewhere amidst all of that I read, "The Care and Feeding of Indigo Children"
I felt like it was my personal guidebook! ;-)
That aside, while I was reading it, the year 2011 as printed on the page lit up like a neon sign and the kids were all excited and bouncing up and down. So of course I guessed that that's the year they want to be born in, so I ask them what part of the year, and they say the early part. As in January/February? YES! Okey dokey! We can do that. I'm psyched to have a new plan.
Since I left my teaching job I was plan-less as to when to try to conceive again, since I was basing my whole plan on the school calendar, which has now become a moot point lol
So the new plan is to try this April :-)
Somewhere amidst all of that I read, "The Care and Feeding of Indigo Children"
I felt like it was my personal guidebook! ;-)
That aside, while I was reading it, the year 2011 as printed on the page lit up like a neon sign and the kids were all excited and bouncing up and down. So of course I guessed that that's the year they want to be born in, so I ask them what part of the year, and they say the early part. As in January/February? YES! Okey dokey! We can do that. I'm psyched to have a new plan.
Since I left my teaching job I was plan-less as to when to try to conceive again, since I was basing my whole plan on the school calendar, which has now become a moot point lol
So the new plan is to try this April :-)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Story Part 4-Trial Run #2 continued again
2 days later, Fiance, my best friend and her kids took advantage of the last of the run of warm days to go to Goldwater Lake for a paddle and to check out the high water.
"The boat launch was completely under water as well as half of the lower parking lot and there was water going over the spillway. It was awesome! I had visions of paddling with you [Aaron] all snug in a wrap out there in the boat with me. Hardly a better way to spend a sunny afternoon! Can hardly wait to share it with you!
I finally gave in to the urge to test and was so excited the night I bought them that I had a hard time sleeping. I got up at 6am, did the test, it came back negative, and I wasn't surprised. My period wasn't due for another 4 days or so. We were just at the lake the other day and now the high is 44. Yikes! I spent the day hanging at home, doing laundry, trying to nap, said hi to you-I think I'm doing much better about not being so hovery, but I think you're tired already of me asking if your're still really in there. Not much longer til the physical signs tell us for sure. I was home alone and watching the movie High Fidelity, and I let out a burp with my mouth open and you chastised me, 'Mama!' It made me chuckle. I think you're gonna give me a run for my money, keep me on my toes when you finally get here all the way onto the physical plane. You crack me up already! All your answers end with 'mama'. Like I'll say, 'Hi Aaron. Are ya still in there?'
'Yes, mama.'
'Are ya gonna stick it out for the duration?'
'Yes, mama.'
It's always, 'yes, mama' or 'no, mama'. I started wondering if you lived in the South in your last life so I asked you... 'yes, mama' ;-)
It's funny to me-you're so proper! I've never even been to the South-well not in this life anyway, well except Florida, but I don't really count that because the culture there is totally different...
I can't seem to get over how quiet you are-so different from me and your sisters-who are all kinda crazy with energy. Fiance is definitely the one that is more chill.
Been noticing things in my body...feeling more tired, kinda woozy, slightly nauseated every now and then, my brain definitely feels scrambled. When I type, the words sometimes come out jumbled or there's a word left out, I go looking in the fridge for something and can't remember what, I went to get a bowl down from the cabinet and kept walking... [none of these are normal occurrences for me]
You love it when I rest my hand on my belly and when I rub it too.
We seem to be a bit at odds right at the moment. You've been having bouts of sadness, loneliness, missing those you love on the other side, and I'm afraid you're going to leave when I already want you to stay."
2 days later... sigh.
"The boat launch was completely under water as well as half of the lower parking lot and there was water going over the spillway. It was awesome! I had visions of paddling with you [Aaron] all snug in a wrap out there in the boat with me. Hardly a better way to spend a sunny afternoon! Can hardly wait to share it with you!
I finally gave in to the urge to test and was so excited the night I bought them that I had a hard time sleeping. I got up at 6am, did the test, it came back negative, and I wasn't surprised. My period wasn't due for another 4 days or so. We were just at the lake the other day and now the high is 44. Yikes! I spent the day hanging at home, doing laundry, trying to nap, said hi to you-I think I'm doing much better about not being so hovery, but I think you're tired already of me asking if your're still really in there. Not much longer til the physical signs tell us for sure. I was home alone and watching the movie High Fidelity, and I let out a burp with my mouth open and you chastised me, 'Mama!' It made me chuckle. I think you're gonna give me a run for my money, keep me on my toes when you finally get here all the way onto the physical plane. You crack me up already! All your answers end with 'mama'. Like I'll say, 'Hi Aaron. Are ya still in there?'
'Yes, mama.'
'Are ya gonna stick it out for the duration?'
'Yes, mama.'
It's always, 'yes, mama' or 'no, mama'. I started wondering if you lived in the South in your last life so I asked you... 'yes, mama' ;-)
It's funny to me-you're so proper! I've never even been to the South-well not in this life anyway, well except Florida, but I don't really count that because the culture there is totally different...
I can't seem to get over how quiet you are-so different from me and your sisters-who are all kinda crazy with energy. Fiance is definitely the one that is more chill.
Been noticing things in my body...feeling more tired, kinda woozy, slightly nauseated every now and then, my brain definitely feels scrambled. When I type, the words sometimes come out jumbled or there's a word left out, I go looking in the fridge for something and can't remember what, I went to get a bowl down from the cabinet and kept walking... [none of these are normal occurrences for me]
You love it when I rest my hand on my belly and when I rub it too.
We seem to be a bit at odds right at the moment. You've been having bouts of sadness, loneliness, missing those you love on the other side, and I'm afraid you're going to leave when I already want you to stay."
2 days later... sigh.
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