I kinda forgot about you baby blog.... oops, packing to move, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, moving, remodeling...still...
Somewhere amidst all of that I read, "The Care and Feeding of Indigo Children"
I felt like it was my personal guidebook! ;-)
That aside, while I was reading it, the year 2011 as printed on the page lit up like a neon sign and the kids were all excited and bouncing up and down. So of course I guessed that that's the year they want to be born in, so I ask them what part of the year, and they say the early part. As in January/February? YES! Okey dokey! We can do that. I'm psyched to have a new plan.
Since I left my teaching job I was plan-less as to when to try to conceive again, since I was basing my whole plan on the school calendar, which has now become a moot point lol
So the new plan is to try this April :-)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Story Part 4-Trial Run #2 continued again
2 days later, Fiance, my best friend and her kids took advantage of the last of the run of warm days to go to Goldwater Lake for a paddle and to check out the high water.
"The boat launch was completely under water as well as half of the lower parking lot and there was water going over the spillway. It was awesome! I had visions of paddling with you [Aaron] all snug in a wrap out there in the boat with me. Hardly a better way to spend a sunny afternoon! Can hardly wait to share it with you!
I finally gave in to the urge to test and was so excited the night I bought them that I had a hard time sleeping. I got up at 6am, did the test, it came back negative, and I wasn't surprised. My period wasn't due for another 4 days or so. We were just at the lake the other day and now the high is 44. Yikes! I spent the day hanging at home, doing laundry, trying to nap, said hi to you-I think I'm doing much better about not being so hovery, but I think you're tired already of me asking if your're still really in there. Not much longer til the physical signs tell us for sure. I was home alone and watching the movie High Fidelity, and I let out a burp with my mouth open and you chastised me, 'Mama!' It made me chuckle. I think you're gonna give me a run for my money, keep me on my toes when you finally get here all the way onto the physical plane. You crack me up already! All your answers end with 'mama'. Like I'll say, 'Hi Aaron. Are ya still in there?'
'Yes, mama.'
'Are ya gonna stick it out for the duration?'
'Yes, mama.'
It's always, 'yes, mama' or 'no, mama'. I started wondering if you lived in the South in your last life so I asked you... 'yes, mama' ;-)
It's funny to me-you're so proper! I've never even been to the South-well not in this life anyway, well except Florida, but I don't really count that because the culture there is totally different...
I can't seem to get over how quiet you are-so different from me and your sisters-who are all kinda crazy with energy. Fiance is definitely the one that is more chill.
Been noticing things in my body...feeling more tired, kinda woozy, slightly nauseated every now and then, my brain definitely feels scrambled. When I type, the words sometimes come out jumbled or there's a word left out, I go looking in the fridge for something and can't remember what, I went to get a bowl down from the cabinet and kept walking... [none of these are normal occurrences for me]
You love it when I rest my hand on my belly and when I rub it too.
We seem to be a bit at odds right at the moment. You've been having bouts of sadness, loneliness, missing those you love on the other side, and I'm afraid you're going to leave when I already want you to stay."
2 days later... sigh.
"The boat launch was completely under water as well as half of the lower parking lot and there was water going over the spillway. It was awesome! I had visions of paddling with you [Aaron] all snug in a wrap out there in the boat with me. Hardly a better way to spend a sunny afternoon! Can hardly wait to share it with you!
I finally gave in to the urge to test and was so excited the night I bought them that I had a hard time sleeping. I got up at 6am, did the test, it came back negative, and I wasn't surprised. My period wasn't due for another 4 days or so. We were just at the lake the other day and now the high is 44. Yikes! I spent the day hanging at home, doing laundry, trying to nap, said hi to you-I think I'm doing much better about not being so hovery, but I think you're tired already of me asking if your're still really in there. Not much longer til the physical signs tell us for sure. I was home alone and watching the movie High Fidelity, and I let out a burp with my mouth open and you chastised me, 'Mama!' It made me chuckle. I think you're gonna give me a run for my money, keep me on my toes when you finally get here all the way onto the physical plane. You crack me up already! All your answers end with 'mama'. Like I'll say, 'Hi Aaron. Are ya still in there?'
'Yes, mama.'
'Are ya gonna stick it out for the duration?'
'Yes, mama.'
It's always, 'yes, mama' or 'no, mama'. I started wondering if you lived in the South in your last life so I asked you... 'yes, mama' ;-)
It's funny to me-you're so proper! I've never even been to the South-well not in this life anyway, well except Florida, but I don't really count that because the culture there is totally different...
I can't seem to get over how quiet you are-so different from me and your sisters-who are all kinda crazy with energy. Fiance is definitely the one that is more chill.
Been noticing things in my body...feeling more tired, kinda woozy, slightly nauseated every now and then, my brain definitely feels scrambled. When I type, the words sometimes come out jumbled or there's a word left out, I go looking in the fridge for something and can't remember what, I went to get a bowl down from the cabinet and kept walking... [none of these are normal occurrences for me]
You love it when I rest my hand on my belly and when I rub it too.
We seem to be a bit at odds right at the moment. You've been having bouts of sadness, loneliness, missing those you love on the other side, and I'm afraid you're going to leave when I already want you to stay."
2 days later... sigh.
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Story Part 4-Trial Run #2 continued
It's 11 days past the night we did the deed and I'm pondering whether or not I want to take a home pregnancy test before I miss my period or not. I still haven't told Fiance anything yet.
"My biggest fear about testing before I've missed my period is that it will show up as negative when it's been so clear to me that you're here. I've already been feeling crazy with wonder, anticipation, fear, anxiety, excitement-that I don't think I could handle it if I didn't get the confirmation I was looking for. On the flip side of that of course is the total possibility that the tests would come back positive and then I could at least stop wondering about that part, but I think I'd still be anxious about whether or not you're planning to stay-even though you've said you will... It all feels so tenuous to me. Don't know how everybody else does it...Wondering how, when, where I'll be confident about you being in there and staying. I keep reassuring you whenever my issues come up that it's not about you, that no matter what you are loved and wanted, that there's just stuff I need to work through."
The next day Fiance and I walk the loop at Acker Park. It's February and a gorgeous 72 degrees out. Winters are crazy like that in Prescott beautiful and warm one week and snowing the next.
"Fiance was sharing about a life coaching session he'd had earlier in the week and then asked if there was something else going on with me besides the fact that he was driving me nuts. I said wellllll.... He knew immediately what I was going to say, but kept quiet until I had finished spewing out the whole story, everything I've been thinking and feeling. He agreed that it's not ideal timing, but that he wouldn't want me to end it, which never even entered my mind as an option. I guess I always knew if I got pregnant and my partner didn't want it, I'd keep it anyway and forget him. Thankfully he's not like that. He was very sweet and supportive. I asked him what he thought about potential babyness and he said, 'I think it's great! And I'm ok with whatever the little guy decides to do.' He also expressed that next time he'd like me to tell him as soon as I 'know'. I feel a lot more calm and like I can deal with whatever happens now that I've told him."
To be continued, again... ;-)
"My biggest fear about testing before I've missed my period is that it will show up as negative when it's been so clear to me that you're here. I've already been feeling crazy with wonder, anticipation, fear, anxiety, excitement-that I don't think I could handle it if I didn't get the confirmation I was looking for. On the flip side of that of course is the total possibility that the tests would come back positive and then I could at least stop wondering about that part, but I think I'd still be anxious about whether or not you're planning to stay-even though you've said you will... It all feels so tenuous to me. Don't know how everybody else does it...Wondering how, when, where I'll be confident about you being in there and staying. I keep reassuring you whenever my issues come up that it's not about you, that no matter what you are loved and wanted, that there's just stuff I need to work through."
The next day Fiance and I walk the loop at Acker Park. It's February and a gorgeous 72 degrees out. Winters are crazy like that in Prescott beautiful and warm one week and snowing the next.
"Fiance was sharing about a life coaching session he'd had earlier in the week and then asked if there was something else going on with me besides the fact that he was driving me nuts. I said wellllll.... He knew immediately what I was going to say, but kept quiet until I had finished spewing out the whole story, everything I've been thinking and feeling. He agreed that it's not ideal timing, but that he wouldn't want me to end it, which never even entered my mind as an option. I guess I always knew if I got pregnant and my partner didn't want it, I'd keep it anyway and forget him. Thankfully he's not like that. He was very sweet and supportive. I asked him what he thought about potential babyness and he said, 'I think it's great! And I'm ok with whatever the little guy decides to do.' He also expressed that next time he'd like me to tell him as soon as I 'know'. I feel a lot more calm and like I can deal with whatever happens now that I've told him."
To be continued, again... ;-)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My New Mantra
"The perfect sperm donor, in the perfect time, in the perfect place, is mine!"
I thought, hoped, and planned on being pregnant by now, but The Universe had other plans...
Including me leaving the job that I planned my pregnancy around lol So now that I'm not trying to work around the public school calendar I'm not sure what I'm working around. It's apparently not for me to know yet. sigh. Being the impatient Aries that I am is sure making it hard to wait, again, some more. This is where the mantra comes in... ;-)
I thought, hoped, and planned on being pregnant by now, but The Universe had other plans...
Including me leaving the job that I planned my pregnancy around lol So now that I'm not trying to work around the public school calendar I'm not sure what I'm working around. It's apparently not for me to know yet. sigh. Being the impatient Aries that I am is sure making it hard to wait, again, some more. This is where the mantra comes in... ;-)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Story Part 4-Trial Run #2
I first started writing this whole story down in February 2008, when I thought I was pregnant for the 2nd time. My best friend encouraged me to write it all down so the kids would know, when they finally get here, how much we all talked about them and loved them and knew them already.
I wrote a lot about my experience this time since it was happening while I was writing the whole story. So for now, here, it's going to be the abridged version.
So Trial Run #2 happened on Valentine's weekend, when boyfriend turned fiance and I went up to Flagstaff for a night at a nice hotel. We did use a condom, according to what I wrote then, but these things do sometimes have imperfections... what can I say?
Most of what I wrote about our trip was about all the AMAZING food we ate up in Flag. ;-) Restaurants in Prescott, just don't stack up. When we arrived in Flag lunch was at Mt. Oasis-The best Gyro sandwich ever for me and a chicken sandwich for him and a gorgeously purple Fernberry Mt. smoothie to share; Pre-dinner dessert at Cold Stone was mint chocolate chip/cookie dough combo for him and chocolate/brownie for me. Dinner at San Felipes-Mahi Mahi battered and fried in almonds and coconut was the winner of the most delicious fish ever award. We wished we'd both ordered that instead of the steak fajitas that was our other dish. Brunch at Martaane's-Green Chilaquiles. My mouth was in heaven! For those of you who have never been fortunate enough to have been able to eat these at Martaane's I shall describe them for you.... the first layer is crispy corn chips then over easy fried eggs, green chile sauce, cheese, guacamole, and sour cream to top it off. On the side is a warm flour tortilla, hashbrowns, beans and rice and more cheese, and the whole plate turns into one ginormous, sloppy, gooey delicious mess :-D
And to top off our marathon of deliciousness (by the way we did a lot of walking between all that eating...) we stopped in at the Bar-B-Q place for ribs, cornbread, the best mashed sweet potatoes ever and the best garlic fries ever, to go. Our intention was to picnic when we got back to Prescott, which we mostly managed to do, but sadly the garlic fries disappeared before we were even halfway home...
We had a lovely picnic at Willow Lake and then went for a walk. It was a magical time of day. The sun was starting to set and everything was golden. All the colors were richer, the birds were singing, ducks were paddling about on the lake... As we walked, holding hands, chit chatting, this thought popped into my head, "Holy cow! I'm pregnant." and then I hear what I thought were Aaron and one or 2 of the girls say, "Yeah, we're here!" and I said, "Well, I know you're here, but are you like really inside me?" "Yes".
I didn't say anything to Fiance about any of this at the time, and still hadn't a week later. Though I was thinking about telling him sooner, since I didn't tell him til after, before...
One night while in the tub I was chatting with Aaron and he told me about his Guardian Angel, Emily, that had brought him down to me and how she had stayed with him for a few days. Now I understood why I couldn't figure out which one of his sisters was with him because it was neither! It was just Aaron this time.
From my journal, "Every day I check in with you, usually several times, to ask if you're still inside me-always yes, and I reassure you it's not you I don't trust, it's me. This is a pretty big deal and it's not happening at the most ideal time so I want to be certain and confident in myself that it's really happening (and not another trial run) before I tell people... It feels so different this time-slow, dreamy, sleepy, dozey, wondering if that's how you're gonna be as a person when you get here... Something shifted and I feel more confident about my intuition about you. I still want some type of physical confirmation, but I don't feel as crazy wondering if I'm right or not."
To be continued...
I wrote a lot about my experience this time since it was happening while I was writing the whole story. So for now, here, it's going to be the abridged version.
So Trial Run #2 happened on Valentine's weekend, when boyfriend turned fiance and I went up to Flagstaff for a night at a nice hotel. We did use a condom, according to what I wrote then, but these things do sometimes have imperfections... what can I say?
Most of what I wrote about our trip was about all the AMAZING food we ate up in Flag. ;-) Restaurants in Prescott, just don't stack up. When we arrived in Flag lunch was at Mt. Oasis-The best Gyro sandwich ever for me and a chicken sandwich for him and a gorgeously purple Fernberry Mt. smoothie to share; Pre-dinner dessert at Cold Stone was mint chocolate chip/cookie dough combo for him and chocolate/brownie for me. Dinner at San Felipes-Mahi Mahi battered and fried in almonds and coconut was the winner of the most delicious fish ever award. We wished we'd both ordered that instead of the steak fajitas that was our other dish. Brunch at Martaane's-Green Chilaquiles. My mouth was in heaven! For those of you who have never been fortunate enough to have been able to eat these at Martaane's I shall describe them for you.... the first layer is crispy corn chips then over easy fried eggs, green chile sauce, cheese, guacamole, and sour cream to top it off. On the side is a warm flour tortilla, hashbrowns, beans and rice and more cheese, and the whole plate turns into one ginormous, sloppy, gooey delicious mess :-D
And to top off our marathon of deliciousness (by the way we did a lot of walking between all that eating...) we stopped in at the Bar-B-Q place for ribs, cornbread, the best mashed sweet potatoes ever and the best garlic fries ever, to go. Our intention was to picnic when we got back to Prescott, which we mostly managed to do, but sadly the garlic fries disappeared before we were even halfway home...
We had a lovely picnic at Willow Lake and then went for a walk. It was a magical time of day. The sun was starting to set and everything was golden. All the colors were richer, the birds were singing, ducks were paddling about on the lake... As we walked, holding hands, chit chatting, this thought popped into my head, "Holy cow! I'm pregnant." and then I hear what I thought were Aaron and one or 2 of the girls say, "Yeah, we're here!" and I said, "Well, I know you're here, but are you like really inside me?" "Yes".
I didn't say anything to Fiance about any of this at the time, and still hadn't a week later. Though I was thinking about telling him sooner, since I didn't tell him til after, before...
One night while in the tub I was chatting with Aaron and he told me about his Guardian Angel, Emily, that had brought him down to me and how she had stayed with him for a few days. Now I understood why I couldn't figure out which one of his sisters was with him because it was neither! It was just Aaron this time.
From my journal, "Every day I check in with you, usually several times, to ask if you're still inside me-always yes, and I reassure you it's not you I don't trust, it's me. This is a pretty big deal and it's not happening at the most ideal time so I want to be certain and confident in myself that it's really happening (and not another trial run) before I tell people... It feels so different this time-slow, dreamy, sleepy, dozey, wondering if that's how you're gonna be as a person when you get here... Something shifted and I feel more confident about my intuition about you. I still want some type of physical confirmation, but I don't feel as crazy wondering if I'm right or not."
To be continued...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
SMC Resources & Info
Books I've Read & Recommend (In Alphabetical Order):
Choice Moms
Choice Moms Yahoo Group
Mothering's SMC Thread
Other Internet Resources
Single Mothers by Choice
The National Organization of Single Mothers, Inc (NOSM)
Awesome SMC Blogs
I'll be adding more as I go along and if you have any suggestions-please suggest away!
- Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide by Mikki Morrissette
- Knock Yourself Up: A Tell All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom by Louise Sloan
- Single Mother's By Choice: A Guidebook For Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood by Jane Mattes
Choice Moms
Choice Moms Yahoo Group
Mothering's SMC Thread
Other Internet Resources
Single Mothers by Choice
The National Organization of Single Mothers, Inc (NOSM)
Awesome SMC Blogs
I'll be adding more as I go along and if you have any suggestions-please suggest away!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Story Part 3-Trial Run #1
Late in October of 2007 my boyfriend had come over early one morning to catch me for a snuggle while I was still in bed, but of course we ended up doing more than that...
From my journal:
"We snuggled for a long time. He dozed and I just let my mind wander. At one point I heard a very clear chorus of, 'We're here!' and an interesting sensation accompanied with a vision that was something like 2 little critters getting snugged in for the duration. (Picture 2 sweet little mice curled up together for winter hibernation...) Hmmmm... Gotta wait 18 days til my period is due to get that kind of confirmation. The kiddos were miffed that I was wanting that-that I should just trust them, hear them and have that be enough. I agreed, but/and somehow the period or no is the clincher. On one of the forums on mothering.com (mdc) there's been some talk about some people choosing to not use a home pregnancy test and I never thought about it. They're (the folks on mdc) so good for broadening one's horizons. We've all been so enmeshed in our culture's one way of doing things it's almost silly! I'm still wondering if I'll go that route or not. It would kind of be a fun keepsake to have since I already know I'm not planning to have an ultrasound-so I won't have those early pics-hmmm...
I just calculated my due date if this really is the real thing. They'll be here around the 1st of July".
I had a sense that it was Kyllie and Aaron in there, but at times I wasn't positive. They sometimes hinted at all 3 of them coming in together. I let them know I wasn't thrilled with that plan mostly because I have only 2 boobs, and wasn't planning on sprouting another! So they needed to decide who it was gonna be. Please... only 2 at a time. I was a nanny for a family with 5 children, ages 8, 5, 2 and newborn twins, so I know I can handle 2 babies at a time. 3 is pushing it all the way around. They still liked to tease me with the idea of all 3 coming together-little stinkers.
A month went by before I updated my journal again, but I remember being excited by the possibility of being able to share this news with my mom and grandpa at Thanksgiving, and so obsessed, as if I could control whether the children chose to stay or go, by asking them 5 million times a day if they were still in there or not, and if it was really real and really happening. It's no wonder they left!! ;-) I was driving myself mad. I can only imagine how they must have felt...
The journal update says:
"Guess I haven't updated yet... They were here 2 weeks, then left and a few days later my period came..." It took several days to a week for the realization to settle in and when it did the sadness and loss I felt were great.
It wasn't just about the loss of the potential pregnancy either. It was a whole mess of things. Being frustrated that my life was not where I wanted it to be; Being so close and then having to wait some more for the children I've always wanted; spurring my boyfriend on to be more careful when we'd do the deed, which made me realize how much I was hoping for an oops...
I waited to tell him everything I was thinking, feeling, intuiting about the potential pregnancy until my period showed up. I was torn about whether to tell him right away or not. We'd had plenty of conversations about the Angel Babies, but never about what we'd do if they came as a surprise.
From my journal:
"We snuggled for a long time. He dozed and I just let my mind wander. At one point I heard a very clear chorus of, 'We're here!' and an interesting sensation accompanied with a vision that was something like 2 little critters getting snugged in for the duration. (Picture 2 sweet little mice curled up together for winter hibernation...) Hmmmm... Gotta wait 18 days til my period is due to get that kind of confirmation. The kiddos were miffed that I was wanting that-that I should just trust them, hear them and have that be enough. I agreed, but/and somehow the period or no is the clincher. On one of the forums on mothering.com (mdc) there's been some talk about some people choosing to not use a home pregnancy test and I never thought about it. They're (the folks on mdc) so good for broadening one's horizons. We've all been so enmeshed in our culture's one way of doing things it's almost silly! I'm still wondering if I'll go that route or not. It would kind of be a fun keepsake to have since I already know I'm not planning to have an ultrasound-so I won't have those early pics-hmmm...
I just calculated my due date if this really is the real thing. They'll be here around the 1st of July".
I had a sense that it was Kyllie and Aaron in there, but at times I wasn't positive. They sometimes hinted at all 3 of them coming in together. I let them know I wasn't thrilled with that plan mostly because I have only 2 boobs, and wasn't planning on sprouting another! So they needed to decide who it was gonna be. Please... only 2 at a time. I was a nanny for a family with 5 children, ages 8, 5, 2 and newborn twins, so I know I can handle 2 babies at a time. 3 is pushing it all the way around. They still liked to tease me with the idea of all 3 coming together-little stinkers.
A month went by before I updated my journal again, but I remember being excited by the possibility of being able to share this news with my mom and grandpa at Thanksgiving, and so obsessed, as if I could control whether the children chose to stay or go, by asking them 5 million times a day if they were still in there or not, and if it was really real and really happening. It's no wonder they left!! ;-) I was driving myself mad. I can only imagine how they must have felt...
The journal update says:
"Guess I haven't updated yet... They were here 2 weeks, then left and a few days later my period came..." It took several days to a week for the realization to settle in and when it did the sadness and loss I felt were great.
It wasn't just about the loss of the potential pregnancy either. It was a whole mess of things. Being frustrated that my life was not where I wanted it to be; Being so close and then having to wait some more for the children I've always wanted; spurring my boyfriend on to be more careful when we'd do the deed, which made me realize how much I was hoping for an oops...
I waited to tell him everything I was thinking, feeling, intuiting about the potential pregnancy until my period showed up. I was torn about whether to tell him right away or not. We'd had plenty of conversations about the Angel Babies, but never about what we'd do if they came as a surprise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
